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The purpose of this paper is to explore the possible affects of personal traumas on the pedagogical practices of educators sometimes resulting in a type of pedagogical malpractice. The content shares an interest towards reformation in artist training programs, and personal learning experiences for K-12 teachers.

Beginning an inward/backward journey of narrative inquiry, I use autoethnography to explore the following questions: What am I teaching my students, explicitly and implicitly? To what extent do I perpetuate the traumas of my pre-professional training? How can I interrupt this legacy of abuse in my own pedagogical practices? My journey is shared through a collection of brief narrative vignettes, referred to by the musical term suite, in which I critically examine my life experiences in search of answers to these questions.

Like most qualitative research puzzles, I’m left with more questions rather than finite answers. How would my educational experiences have been different, if I understood learning as a shared privilege between teacher and student? How much more transformative could my teaching, have been, if it were not a catchall just in case I wasn’t successful in my chosen path? How might I have grown as a performer, if teaching had been a respected and integrated part of my performance curricula? How much less of a failure would I have felt when I found myself leading a classroom in later years? Would I have perceived it as a failure at all?

This situated narrative stops for the sake of article length, but the journey into becoming continues and will require consistent reflection to remain headed in the right direction.

This piece is an autoethnographic account that contributes to positive pedagogical practices.